Why are we drawn to this particular person?

Imagine a party, a business dinner, or even just a feed in a dating app. You are surrounded by dozens, if not hundreds, of people. Here is Anna — smart, witty, she has a stable job and a warm smile. Here is Maxim — caring, attentive, it is easy and safe with him, as if behind a stone wall. Here is someone else — successful, attractive, perfectly matching every box on the “ideal partner” checklist.

If love were a rational auction, we would choose the best “asset.” But instead, your attention locks onto a person who may not fit any of these points. He has a strange sense of humor, an unstable work schedule, or a slightly arrogant arch of the eyebrow that, it would seem, should repel you. But no.

Your hand reaches specifically for him. In a crowd, you search only for his voice. You reply to his messages faster than to your boss. At the same time, there is a clear feeling inside: “Something is wrong here, he/she is clearly not the best option for me, but I want to be near him/her.” We ignore the “convenient” ones and fall in love with the “wrong” ones. And this is the first crack in the myth that we choose a partner consciously. We choose not the one who is better, but the one who resonates more loudly with our inner frequency.

This is where the main paradox of the human psyche lies. Our brain is structured like a two-story house: on the upper floor lives the neocortex — this is our “logical calculator.” It calculates risks, compares incomes, makes plans for the future, and carefully writes in a notebook: “This person is stable, faithful, we have the same goals — therefore, he is suitable.”

And on the lower floor, in the basement, lives the limbic system — our “emotional volcano.” It does not care about the calculator. It does not care about the “suitable/not suitable” lists. It operates on ancient algorithms of survival and reproduction, on childhood traumas and unconscious scripts. And when the “basement” says, “I want!”, the entire upper floor, together with its logic, is simply flooded with cortisol and dopamine, shutting down rational thinking.

Why do emotions win? Because logic is energy-consuming and slow. Emotions, on the other hand, are a fast path, a well-trodden rut in neural connections. If in childhood we got used to earning love by overcoming obstacles (a cold parent), then in adulthood a calm and available partner causes us to yawn and feel bored. We say: “He is too good, he does not hook me.” But the one who causes anxiety seems like “the one.” Emotions speak the language of tension and release, while logic speaks the language of benefit. In matters of attraction, benefit loses completely, because our unconscious is not looking for happiness — it is looking for a familiar state. Even if the familiar state is pain.

If you have ever woken up in the morning next to someone and thought: “God, why do I love him/her? After all, he/she makes me unhappy!” or, on the contrary, “Why am I so strongly attached to this simple guy/girl, although I dreamed of a prince?” — then it is time to take off the rose-colored glasses and put on reading glasses.

Biochemistry and Evolution (The Body)

Have you ever noticed that the body scent of one person can drive you crazy, make you want to press yourself against them and breathe it in again and again, while the scent of another person — even if they have just stepped out of the shower — seems alien, harsh, or simply “not yours”? This is not magic or a whim of the sense of smell. These are your genes conducting quiet but extremely important negotiations.

In the animal world, mating rituals are almost always built around scent. Humans are no exception, although we are used to thinking that we “love with our eyes or ears.” In reality, the first blow to the heart is often delivered by the nose. The main actors here are pheromones (volatile chemical signals that we are not aware of, but that the brain reads automatically) and the MHC complex (major histocompatibility complex).

Imagine the MHC as the unique barcode of your immune system. This barcode tells which diseases your body knows how to fight and which ones it does not. Evolution has given us a mechanism that tells us to look for a partner with an MHC barcode that is as different from ours as possible. Why? So that your future children receive the widest possible arsenal of protection. If the father’s immunity is strong against one group of viruses and the mother’s against another, the child receives “super-immunity” from both fronts at once.

And how do we identify this barcode? Through smell. More specifically, through the smell of sweat and the skin’s natural secretions, which deodorants cannot mask.

The most famous experiment proving this was conducted by Swiss biologist Claus Wedekind. It is called the “Sweaty T-shirt Experiment.” It looked like this: a group of women were asked to smell T-shirts in which different men had slept for several days, without deodorants or perfume. The women were asked to rate how pleasant the smell was. The result was shockingly unambiguous: women consistently liked the scent of those men whose MHC differed most strongly from their own. The scent of men with a similar MHC seemed unpleasant, repulsive, and “stale” to them. Moreover, this effect disappeared if the women were taking oral contraceptives — the hormones “deceived” the brain, making it think that the woman was already pregnant and no longer needed to search for different genetic material.

How does this work in real life? You come on a date. Outwardly, the person is wonderful, but you feel uncomfortable beside them, you want to move away, and their scent, even when fresh, seems harsh. Your body says: “Careful, our genes are too similar; this is a dead-end path for offspring.” Another person, perhaps not even the most attractive by glossy-magazine standards, smells in such a way that you lose your head. Your subconscious has read their immune barcode and sounded the alarm: “There he is! An excellent genetic match! Move closer!” We call this “chemistry” or a “spark,” but in reality it is simply our genes flipping through a catalogue and pointing to the most advantageous option for the survival of the species.

Evolutionary Triggers: The Fertility Marker and the Testosterone Marker

While pheromones and the MHC are a subtle form of adjustment “on the fly,” evolutionary triggers are rough patterns hardwired deep into the subcortex. These are the very images to which men and women react in a fraction of a second, before they have even managed to say a word to each other. These patterns were formed over hundreds of thousands of years, when survival depended on literal physical parameters.

For Men: Waist-to-Hip Ratio (0.7) as a Fertility Marker

Take a calculator. Divide the circumference of a woman’s waist by the circumference of her hips. If the result is around 0.7 — for example, a waist of 60 cm and hips of 86 cm: 60/86 = 0.69 — then before you is the gold standard to which the male brain reacts automatically, regardless of culture, era, or personal preferences. This ratio means one thing: the woman has the optimal level of female sex hormones, estrogens, for conceiving and carrying a child.

It is important to understand this: a man is not looking at clothing size, whether she is slim or curvy, or at specific weight figures. The ancient part of his brain evaluates the proportion itself. A ratio of 0.7 indicates that fat is distributed correctly, the reproductive system is healthy, and the body is ready for pregnancy. This is not a signal of “beautiful,” but a signal of “functionally suitable.” That is precisely why, across different eras and cultures, from ancient statues to modern models, this proportion remains an unchanging ideal. A man may say that he likes blondes or long legs, but his pupils will dilate and his pulse will quicken specifically at the sight of a figure with a ratio of 0.7, because it is a promise of healthy offspring.

For Women: Broad Shoulders and a V-Shaped Torso as a Marker of Testosterone and Protection

The female brain, in turn, scans the male figure for signals of strength and dominance. The key trigger here is the shoulder-to-waist ratio. The ideal man for a woman is one whose shoulders are significantly wider than his hips, creating an inverted triangle or a V-shaped silhouette.

Broad shoulders are a direct marker of a high testosterone level. Testosterone, in turn, is responsible for bone mass, muscular strength, and, importantly, certain character traits: decisiveness, willingness to take risks, and competitiveness. In the ancient savannah, a woman with a child could not protect herself from predators or hostile tribes. She needed a male protector. Broad shoulders told her: “This one can swing a club, drive away jackals, and bring home a mammoth.”

Interestingly, this trigger also works in the modern world, where there are no mammoths anymore. Women unconsciously perceive a V-shaped torso as a guarantee of safety and access to resources. Of course, today a man protects not physically but socially, through stability, income, and status, yet the ancient part of the brain still links broad shoulders with the ability to “have your back.” That is why even women who call themselves “independent” may suddenly feel weak in the knees at the sight of an athletically built man — this is an unconscious echo of evolution that cannot be switched off by willpower.

The “Chemistry of Love”: Dopamine, Phenylethylamine, and Oxytocin. How Does the Brain Get Us “Hooked” on a Specific Person?

So, the scent matched and the proportions aligned — “the door is open.” Now, inside your skull, deep in the brain, a real pharmaceutical factory is launched. It is these three neurotransmitters that turn simple attraction into the addiction we call “mad love.” To understand them is to understand why we are ready to smash the alarm clock just to lie beside someone for one more hour, and why separation feels like withdrawal in a drug addict.

Dopamine — “The Molecule of Anticipation and Reward”

Dopamine does not give us pleasure from possession. It gives us a high from the process of approaching a goal. When you see him or her, when you are waiting for a message, or when you know that the meeting will take place in the evening, your brain floods the system with dopamine. This is anticipation, nervous excitement, butterflies in the stomach. Dopamine shouts: “Act! Overcome obstacles! This is a valuable goal!” It is also responsible for motivation. That is why, at the beginning of a relationship, we become superhuman: we sleep less, work more, lose weight, and are ready to move mountains. We are sitting on a dopamine needle. The danger of dopamine is that its level drops sharply when the goal has been achieved, when the person has become “yours.” That is why many couples mistake a drop in dopamine for the “death of feelings” and leave to look for a new source of intense anticipation.

Phenylethylamine — “Nature’s Amphetamine”

In its chemical structure, this substance is close to amphetamines. It is precisely what causes the very symptoms described in novels: a racing heartbeat, sweaty palms, a dry mouth, breathlessness, and thoughts flying at the speed of light. Phenylethylamine is the euphoria of first love. It is when you feel weightless and believe that your love will overcome any obstacle. It is an extremely powerful stimulant of the central nervous system. But nature has a strict limitation: the body cannot produce phenylethylamine in huge quantities constantly. The maximum is from six months to two or three years. Then the receptors adapt, and the “amphetamine high” ends. It is precisely at this point that most couples break up, saying: “Where did the passion go?” In reality, passion, meaning phenylethylamine, has fulfilled its evolutionary task — it gave you enough time to become close and, perhaps, conceive a child. Then the third player enters.

Oxytocin — “The Hormone of Hugs and Calm Attachment”

This is the glue that brings the fragments of a relationship together into a single whole. Oxytocin is produced not during passion, but during safe contact: when you hug, hold hands, feed each other from a spoon, stroke each other’s head, have sex, and especially after orgasm. It lowers the level of cortisol, the stress hormone, calms the heartbeat, and creates the feeling of “I am home.” Oxytocin does not say, “I want to devour you,” but, “I want to be with you in old age.” It is the hormone of trust. It suppresses fear and suspicion.

How the Brain Gets Us Hooked on a Person

The brain creates neural connections, just as it does in drug addiction. First, you receive a powerful release of phenylethylamine, euphoria, and dopamine, anticipation. You associate these sensations with a specific face, voice, and scent. When the person is not nearby, the dopamine level drops — you begin to long for them, and a physical hunger arises. And you go back to the object again to get your “dose.” Over time, if the bond remains, dopamine gives way to oxytocin. Now “withdrawal” arises not from the absence of the person, but from the absence of their warmth. Your brain has stopped being self-sufficient — it is now tied to an external source. And this is not a metaphor. MRI studies show that people in love activate the same areas of the brain as drug addicts awaiting a dose. Therefore, the phrase “I cannot live without you” is not poetry; it is a biochemical reality that we have learned to read.

Personality Psychology (Similarity and Complementarity)

If biochemistry pushes us to seek a genetically opposite partner, then personality psychology works in exactly the opposite way — it pushes us toward our reflection. This phenomenon is called homogamy, which translated from Greek means “same marriage.” It is an unspoken law according to which people with similar characteristics are more likely to form couples and friendships.

Why are we so drawn to people similar to us? Because it is a matter of energy expenditure. Imagine that you find yourself in an unfamiliar country where everyone speaks an incomprehensible language, eats strange food, and laughs at jokes that seem wild to you. Your brain is working at its limit — it is constantly analyzing, interpreting, and searching for hidden threats. This is a state of chronic stress. Now imagine that you enter a room where your favorite music is playing, a poster of your favorite band is hanging on the wall, and your favorite dish is on the table. You exhale. Your muscles relax. You say: “This is my element.”

Exactly the same thing happens when we meet a person with a similar worldview. We share:

• Values. What is important to you: family or career? Freedom or stability? Honesty at any cost or diplomacy? If your inner compasses point in the same direction, you do not need to argue, prove anything, or justify yourself. You stop spending energy on defending your principles.
• Intelligence level and sense of humor. With a person of your intellectual level, you do not need to explain anything twice. You understand each other from half a word, and the jokes you both laugh at are not just laughter; they are an instant signal: “We are birds of a feather.” Studies show that couples with the same IQ level have significantly higher marital satisfaction and a lower divorce rate.
• Basic attitudes toward life. Attitudes toward money — spend or save? — religion, politics, and raising children. When these attitudes match, it is as if there is an invisible bridge between you. You can remain silent and still understand each other.

This law has a deep evolutionary meaning. In ancient times, a person similar to us was “one of our own.” One of our own meant safe. There was no need to fear them; they would not steal resources or betray us because we had common interests. Therefore, on an emotional level, similarity is perceived as approval. When someone shares our views, our brain rewards us with dopamine, as if saying: “You are doing everything right; this person confirms your picture of the world.”

But there is also a trap here. By falling in love with a copy of ourselves, we can get stuck in “intellectual incest” — when the couple becomes too sealed off and stops developing because no one brings in fresh ideas or a new perspective. And then the opposite mechanism enters the stage.

The Theory of Complementarity

If homogamy is an attraction to “one of our own,” then the theory of complementarity is an attraction to what is “missing.” You have probably noticed surprising couples that seem illogical from the outside: a chatterbox and a silent person, a rebel and a conservative, an extroverted partygoer and an introverted homebody. You ask them: “How do you live together?” and they answer: “We complement each other perfectly.” And these are not empty words; a deep psychological mechanism described by Carl Gustav Jung is at work.

Jung introduced the concept of the “Shadow.” This is the part of our personality that we do not acknowledge, reject, or suppress because it seems socially unacceptable, weak, or “wrong” to us. For example, a strict, disciplined person who has lived according to a plan their entire life suppresses deep down their spontaneity, chaotic nature, and desire to “forget about everything.” They have pushed this part into the Shadow. But the Shadow does not disappear — it lives in the unconscious and constantly seeks a way out.

And then a person appears in their life who is the living embodiment of this suppressed Shadow. For example, a frivolous, impulsive woman who can suddenly set off on a trip without a ticket. The disciplined man looks at her and… feels a magical attraction. He says: “She is so alive; she lights me up.” In reality, she is living the part of life that he has forbidden himself. Through her, he can touch his lost spontaneity without destroying his image as a “serious person.” It is as though he has rented his own Shadow.

Other examples of this mechanism:

• “The Quiet One” and “The Life of the Party.” An introvert who finds it difficult to start conversations and meet people falls in love with an extrovert who easily enters any group. The extrovert takes on the social function of the couple’s “ambassador,” while the introvert gains access to a world that would be inaccessible without help.
• “The Anxious One” and “The Calm One.” A highly anxious person who constantly worries and checks everything a hundred times unconsciously looks for a partner with a phlegmatic, stable temperament. Next to such “basalt,” their inner storm gradually subsides. The phlegmatic partner, in turn, learns through the anxious half to notice nuances and risks that they themselves would have overlooked.
• “The Responsible One” and “The Irresponsible One.” In a couple where one person controls everything and the other is “like a child,” the same pattern is at work. The controller gets the opportunity to express their overprotectiveness — a suppressed need to be needed — while the “child” receives the care they lacked in childhood.

The most important nuance is that complementarity works as a magnet only if the suppressed trait remains in the unconscious. If a strict person realizes that they lack spontaneity and begins developing it within themselves, their attraction to a “chaotic” partner will sharply weaken. They will say: “She is sweet, but there are too many problems with her.” This means that the strength of attraction is directly proportional to our lack of awareness. We are drawn to those who complete our unfinished picture of the world.

The “Familiar Face” Effect

Now we come to the most powerful, most hidden, and most dangerous mechanism of attraction. Have you ever caught yourself thinking that a new lover smiles, frowns, criticizes, or praises you in a strangely familiar way? You cannot understand exactly what hooks you, but a strange feeling appears inside — perhaps nostalgia, perhaps anxiety, perhaps inexplicable trust. This is the familiar face effect, or, in scientific language, psychological transference.

Our psyche is structured like a library in which cards are stored for all significant people from our childhood. The brightest, thickest, and most worn cards are the cards of our parents, or those who replaced them: grandparents, older brothers, and sisters. When we meet a new person, our brain scans them in a fraction of a second and tries to fit their image into an already existing, well-known “card.” If there are too many mismatches, the person seems boring or alien to us. But if matches are found — tone of voice, way of criticizing, body type, style of clothing, or even scent — an alarm goes off in the brain: “AHA! I KNOW THIS PERSON! THEY CAN BE TRUSTED/THEY MUST BE FEARED!”

Moreover, the “familiar face” does not necessarily have to be pleasant. There are two kinds of transference:

1. Positive transference — Transference of warmth. If in childhood the mother was accepting, caring, and approving, in adult life you will unconsciously seek a partner who repeats her manner of caring. He nods his head in the same way, asks, “Have you eaten?” in the same way, and covers you with a blanket in the same way. You feel warm and comfortable next to such a person because you enter a zone of safety familiar from childhood. You are not aware of the reason for this comfort, but your body remembers — it remembers how good it felt next to your mother.
2. Negative transference — Transference of pain or transference of parental trauma. This is the most common scenario leading to toxic relationships. If the father was cold, critical, and demanding, the girl grows up and falls in love with a man who is also cold, criticizes her achievements, and demands the impossible. She suffers and cries, but at the same time feels an incredible, almost narcotic attachment. Why? Because her brain says: “I know how to behave around a person like this. I know that I have to earn his love. This is my old script; I am an expert in it.” Meanwhile, a kind and gentle man who does not criticize but praises her seems “boring” or “unreal” because her brain cannot find a ready-made card for him in its library. Cognitive dissonance arises: “If he does not criticize me, then he does not need me, which means he will leave me.”

How It Works in Practice — The Mechanism

Imagine that in childhood you became used to parental love being a prize that had to be won. You had to study well, be well-behaved, and not cry. Now, in adult life, you meet a partner who is unavailable, moving closer and then farther away. Your unconscious script activates: you begin to “chase,” prove yourself, and try harder. The brain confuses this tension with love. At the moment when the partner finally shows warmth, you experience a powerful dopamine release — you have received that same conditional parental love. This is the basis of chemical dependence on “bad” relationships.

Why Is This Called the “Illusion of Choice”?

Because when we choose a “familiar face,” we are not actually choosing this particular person. We are choosing the shadow of our parents that is projected onto them. We do not see who they truly are; we see our inner parent through them. And only when we become aware of this mechanism, when we are ready to face our pain and say to ourselves, “I am drawn to this person because he resembles my cold father, not because he is good for me,” only then does the illusion dissolve, and we gain the ability to choose for real.

Childhood Scripts (Deep Motivation)

In the middle of the twentieth century, psychoanalyst John Bowlby and his colleague Mary Ainsworth conducted a series of brilliant, though harsh, experiments — the famous “Strange Situation” test — that forever changed the understanding of love. They discovered that during the first years of life, every child develops a style of attachment to their mother or another significant adult. This style becomes an internal model of how close relationships work. And the most frightening and, at the same time, the most important thing is that this model remains with us for life and is automatically projected onto all our romantic partners in adulthood.

There are three main types of attachment — and one mixed type — and each of them dictates its own unique scenario of attraction.

1. Secure Attachment Style

What it looked like in childhood: the mother was there. She responded to crying, soothed, fed, and allowed the child to explore the world while creating a “secure base.” The child knew: “Mom has gone away, but she will come back. I am safe.” An adult with this style is self-confident. They are not afraid of intimacy and are not afraid of being alone. They speak calmly about their feelings, do not make jealous scenes, and are not afraid that their partner will “disappear” if they do something wrong.

Whom does such a person choose? Another secure person. Or, in rare cases, they try to “heal” a traumatized person, but if they see that it is not working, they leave without agonizing pain. Their attraction is built on respect and comfort, not anxiety. This is the healthiest but, unfortunately, the rarest scenario.

2. Anxious (Anxious-Ambivalent) Attachment Style

In childhood: the mother behaved unpredictably. At times she was overprotective and loving, and then suddenly cold and irritated. The child was constantly in a state of uncertainty: “Today I am loved, but tomorrow I am not. What must I do to earn love?” They clung to their mother and were afraid of losing her, but when she returned, they became angry and pushed her away.

An adult with this style is a person who says: “I am afraid that I will be abandoned. I am jealous. I need constant confirmation that I am loved. If my partner does not answer a message for three minutes, hell begins inside me.” Their motto is: “Closeness is life, but it is frightening because it can be taken away.”

Whom does the anxious person choose? The paradox is that they unconsciously choose a partner with an Avoidant attachment style — see below. That is, someone cold and detached, someone who constantly “underprovides” warmth. Why? Because only within this dynamic can they replay their childhood script. They try to “catch up with” the cold partner, prove their worth, and earn their love. Every time the cold partner takes a step toward them, the anxious person experiences euphoria comparable to the childhood relief they felt when their mother finally smiled. In reality, they do not love the partner — they love the process of “winning back” love, which has been familiar to them since infancy. They are trying to “replay” the trauma of rejection by turning a cold person into a warm one. But, as a rule, this ends in exhaustion.

3. Avoidant (Anxious-Avoidant) Attachment Style

In childhood: the mother was cold, rejecting, or too strict. The child learned very quickly: “I will not receive warmth from Mom. If I cry and ask for something, I will be rejected or mocked. It is safer to rely only on myself.” They learned to suppress their emotions, not show vulnerability, and avoid overly close contact.

An adult with this style is a “loner.” In relationships, they keep their distance and say: “I do not need all this tenderness,” “You are too emotional,” “I do not understand what you want.” They are afraid of intimacy because intimacy in their childhood was associated with pain or rejection. Their motto is: “Freedom comes above everything else; dependence on another person is weakness and danger.”

Whom does the avoidant person choose? An anxious person. Because only with them can they maintain distance — the anxious person will “chase,” while the avoidant person will run away. Within this dynamic, they feel safe: they control the degree of closeness, and they do not risk being rejected because they are the one maintaining the distance. The anxious partner seems “too loving” to them, but it is precisely this “clinginess” that allows the avoidant person to feel needed without entering into real emotional intimacy.

We do not choose “cold” or “hot” partners by accident. This is not a manifestation of love but a manifestation of habit. The Anxious and the Avoidant are two sides of the same coin. They attract each other like plus and minus, creating a toxic but very strong bond because of the intensity of the tension. And this circle can be broken only when the anxious person stops chasing and the avoidant person stops running away — that is, when they become aware of their script.

The “Rescuer” and “Victim” Script (The Karpman Drama Triangle)

If attachment theory answers the question “How close do I allow someone to come?”, then the Karpman Drama Triangle answers the question “What role do I occupy in relationships?” This is a model proposed in 1968 by psychologist Stephen Karpman, and it brilliantly explains why we are irresistibly drawn to troubled, dependent, or, on the contrary, tyrannical people.

Karpman identified three toxic roles that we enter unconsciously. Attraction arises when your childhood role perfectly matches the role of another person. You are like two gears that fit together, but this machine is taking you not toward happiness but toward an abyss.

Role 1: The Victim

“I am poor and unhappy, everything is falling apart for me, everyone hurts me, I cannot cope.” A person in this role unconsciously looks for someone who will take responsibility for their life. They do not believe in their own strength. In childhood, such a child was constantly criticized or overprotected and was not allowed to show independence. In adulthood, they are drawn to a “Rescuer” or a “Persecutor” because their familiar helplessness gives them a strange sense of safety — someone else makes decisions for them and thinks for them.

Role 2: The Rescuer

“I know what is best. I will pull you out. I will cure you. Let me do everything for you.” The Rescuer feels alive only when solving other people’s problems. They are needed, important, and competent. In childhood, such a child was often a “little adult”: they cared for younger children, calmed a drinking parent, and took on adult responsibilities. They learned that love means being used as a “shoulder to cry on” or a “wallet.”

Why is the Rescuer drawn to the Victim? Because next to the Victim, they feel omnipotent. They look at the Victim and see their purpose. They are not interested in a healthy partner who earns their own money and solves their own problems — with such a person, they feel unnecessary. That is why they are magnetically drawn to alcoholics, infantile people, and chronic failures. They say: “I will heal him with love,” but in reality, they simply cannot exist without this role.

Role 3: The Persecutor (The Aggressor, the Tyrannical Parent)

“You cannot do anything. You are guilty. I will punish you. Everything must be my way.” This is a dominant, controlling, often aggressive — coldly or hotly — partner. In childhood, such a child was themselves a victim of harsh treatment or criticism, and they introjected this model — they became the aggressor in order not to be the victim.

Who is drawn to the Persecutor? Unconsciously, the Victim. Because this is the only role in which the Persecutor can carry out their script. And the Victim, in turn, is drawn to the Persecutor because the Persecutor confirms their childhood belief: “The world is dangerous, I am weak, and I need someone strong, even if they are cruel.” It is a strange, distorted sense of safety — knowing that there is someone who will “kick you around” but at the same time control the chaos of the outside world.

How Does the Carousel Work?

The most interesting thing about the Karpman Drama Triangle is that the roles constantly change. The Rescuer, tired of rescuing, becomes the Victim: “I have done so much for you, and you!..” The Victim, tired of suffering, becomes the Persecutor: “Go to hell, I know how to live my own life!” The Persecutor, tired of hitting, suddenly becomes the Rescuer: “Come on, I will feed you, poor thing.” And this cycle continues for years. We are drawn not to a specific person but precisely to this dynamic — it is familiar, it is intense, and it gives us sharp emotions. Next to a healthy, stable person, adrenaline is not released, and a person from the Triangle feels that this is “not love” but boredom.

Unfinished Gestalt: Attraction as an Attempt to Complete a Relationship with a Parent

This is perhaps the deepest and saddest subsection. The word “gestalt” translates as “image” or “form.” In psychology, a gestalt is a complete pattern of experience that requires its logical completion. If an emotional situation from the past was not lived through to the end, it turns into an unfinished gestalt. It “hangs” in your psyche, demanding attention like an unclosed tab on a computer that consumes RAM. And throughout your entire life, you will try to close it — but through other people and in different surroundings.

In childhood, each of us had one or more parents, or substitute figures. And many of us were left with a deep, often unconscious pain: “My parents did not give me the love I needed.” Some did not receive acceptance: “You must be a top student; only then will I praise you.” Some did not receive unconditional care: “Do not cry; boys do not cry.” Some did not receive simple, quiet presence: “Dad was always working; I never saw him.”

This pain is the unfinished gestalt. Your psyche says: “Stop. The situation has not been closed. I need to receive this love. I must complete the scene.”

And then you enter adult life and begin choosing partners who resemble your parents in precisely the area where they did not give you enough love. It is as though you take the same person but place them in new surroundings and say to yourself: “Now I will prove to this person that I am valuable. Now I will receive from this person the approval I did not receive in childhood. Only then will I calm down.”

Specific Examples:

• A girl who was constantly compared to the neighbor’s daughter Masha and told, “You are worse.” She grows up and falls in love with a man who also compares her to others, criticizes her, and devalues her. She spends years trying to become “the best” for him. She chases him, changes her hairstyles, her job, and her personality, trying to hear him say: “You are the best.” But in reality, she is trying to hear this from her mother. If she manages to receive praise from this cold man, her brain will decide: “Mom has finally approved of me. I am healed.” But the man is not her mother, and he will not give her this praise because it was precisely his coldness that caused her attraction. This creates a vicious circle.
• A boy whose father was emotionally closed off and never said, “Son, I am proud of you.” He grows up and chooses a partner who is also emotionally restrained, demanding, and unable to give praise. He works hard for her, builds a house, earns money, and waits for that very phrase: “Well done.” But she remains silent. And he tries even harder. He is trying to complete his childhood gestalt.

Why Is This Called “Attraction”?

Because an enormous amount of energy is spent on it. Your psyche has clung to this “unclosed tab” and cannot let go. Therefore, when you meet a person with the same “cold” or “demanding” type of behavior, your nervous system boils over: “There they are! A chance! I will fix this now!” You confuse this tension with passion. You confuse the desire to “win someone over” with love.

How Can This Circle Be Broken?

You must acknowledge a frightening but liberating truth: “My parents will never give me the love I want. And I will never be able to complete this gestalt through another person. This gestalt can be completed in only one way — by stopping waiting for love from those who do not give it and beginning to give it to myself.” At the moment when you stop looking for a parent in your partner and begin to see them as a separate adult person with their own character, attraction based on trauma weakens. And only the pure desire to be near them remains, rather than the desire to prove something. That is when genuine free choice is born.

Social Context and the Context of the Moment

Imagine that you find yourself in an unfamiliar city for two weeks. There are hundreds of new faces around you, but none of them causes you any particular excitement. Now imagine that you go to the same office every day and sit in the same room with the same person. A month passes, then another, then a third — and suddenly you catch yourself thinking that this person seems increasingly attractive, likable, and interesting to you. What has changed? Nothing. He has not lost weight, become wittier, or gotten a new hairstyle. Your perception has changed. And this is called the mere-exposure effect, or the familiarity effect, discovered by psychologist Robert Zajonc.

Zajonc conducted brilliantly simple experiments: he showed people photographs of strangers with different frequencies. Some faces appeared 20 times, others 5 times, and others only once. Then the participants were asked to evaluate whose face seemed more pleasant and likable to them. The result was unambiguous: the more often a person saw a face, the more attractive it seemed to them, even if they could not remember where exactly they had seen it.

How does this work in real life? Our brain is a lazy, energy-saving organ. It spends a huge number of calories processing new, unfamiliar information. A new face is a potential threat: it is unclear what to expect from it. A familiar face is already a “tested product.” The brain says: “I have seen this face many times, and not once has it become a source of danger. That means it is safe. Reward me with dopamine for finding a safe object.” That is precisely why colleagues with whom we drink coffee every day, or neighbors whom we meet in the elevator, seem attractive to us.

But there are two important nuances here.

• Nuance One: The Habituation Threshold. The familiarity effect works only up to a certain point. If you see a person hundreds of times a day in the same context, for example, a cashier in a supermarket, she becomes part of the background, “furniture.” The attractiveness effect works when a person is within your field of attention, but you do not have constant access to them. For example, you see an attractive colleague from a neighboring department a couple of times a day, but you do not communicate closely. Your brain completes their image in a more favorable direction — this is called the novelty effect combined with accessibility.
• Nuance Two: Accessibility. We fall in love with those who are geographically and socially accessible. The logic here is cruel and simple: building a relationship with someone from another continent is difficult and energy-consuming. Your brain understands this at an unconscious level. Therefore, it will “allow” you to fall in love with your next-door neighbor more quickly than with a handsome man from a magazine cover who lives far, far away. In ancient times, this was a matter of survival: a partner had to be nearby in order to protect and obtain resources. This evolutionary mechanism has not disappeared. That is why statistics are relentless: most couples meet at work, at university, through groups of friends, or in their own neighborhood. We are drawn to those who are within our physical and social reach.

Misattribution of Arousal (The Capilano Bridge Experiment)

This is perhaps the most cunning and treacherous mechanism of attraction. Have you ever noticed that after an extreme situation, after a shouting argument, after a bungee jump, or even after an intense workout at the gym, you look at the person next to you with different eyes? They suddenly seem incredibly attractive, desirable, and “close” to you? Congratulations, you have become a victim — or a happy owner — of the misattribution of arousal.

In 1974, psychologists Donald Dutton and Arthur Aron conducted the famous experiment on the Capilano Bridge in Vancouver. It was a suspension bridge that swayed above a deep gorge with a turbulent river at a height of 70 meters — it caused people intense fear and an increased heart rate. Nearby was a second, low and stable wooden bridge that did not provoke any emotions. The researchers approached men crossing these bridges and asked them to complete a questionnaire. At the end of the questionnaire, a female experimenter gave the men her telephone number and said: “If you have any questions, call me.”

The result was shocking: the men who had crossed the dangerous bridge called the woman significantly more often than those who had crossed the calm bridge. Moreover, in their stories, the woman was described as more sexually attractive. Why? Their brains became confused. They had an increased heart rate, sweaty palms, and an adrenaline rush. But why had this happened? Because of the fear of heights or because of the beautiful woman? The brain did not want to figure it out. It made the simplest attribution: “There is a woman next to me, I am aroused — therefore, she turns me on.” In reality, what turned him on was the fear of falling.

How does this work in real life?

• A date on a roller coaster. Many dates in amusement parks are built precisely on this effect. The woman screams in fear, grabs the man, and her heart is pounding wildly. She thinks: “He is so great, I have butterflies in my stomach.” In reality, the butterflies are caused by the g-forces, but the brain transfers them onto the partner.
• A date in a dangerous neighborhood or during an argument. Relationships that begin with stormy scandals and loud reconciliations seem “alive” and “passionate.” In reality, this is the same effect: adrenaline from conflict is disguised as passion. You confuse the fear of loss with love.
• Physical exercise. Have you noticed that couples who run together or go to the gym often feel a strong connection? Part of this connection is chemistry, part is a shared goal, but there is also a third component: the brain may mistakenly attribute an increased heart rate after running to the partner’s presence.
• Dangerous situations. During wars, terrorist attacks, or natural disasters, people often fall in love with each other with incredible speed. This is not “fate”; it is a protective mechanism of the psyche: when the world is collapsing, look for support in the person nearby. Adrenaline and fear create an extremely powerful emotional bond that is easy to confuse with love.

Why is it important to know this? Because this effect is often used as a “hook” in toxic relationships. A partner deliberately creates stressful situations — jealousy, threats of breaking up, shouting — so that you experience powerful surges of adrenaline. Then, when the calm arrives, you experience relief and mistake it for tenderness. You fall into an emotional roller coaster in which “shaking” becomes synonymous with “passion.” In reality, it is simply physiological confusion.

Social Status and Resources

And the final, but by no means unimportant, level of attraction is social context. Even if you consider yourself a person who “does not care about money” and “does not care about status,” your subconscious scans these parameters in a fraction of a second. Because, as we have already discussed in the section on evolution, the brain’s main task is survival and reproduction. And this requires resources. In ancient times, resources were material — animal carcasses, skins, caves. Today, resources are social status, money, connections, and intellectual capital.

And we read them not from a tax return, but from nonverbal and behavioral markers. Our brain is a scanner that analyzes a huge number of parameters in three seconds and gives a verdict: “Dangerous, but interesting” or “Safe and stable.”

What markers do we read unconsciously?

• Clothing and appearance. This is not about brands or price tags. It is about being well-groomed. Clean, ironed clothes, a neat haircut, a fresh appearance — these are markers that a person has the time and energy to take care of themselves. And that means they have the resources — time and money — for it. It is the equivalent of shiny fur in an animal: if the fur shines, the animal is healthy and well-fed.
• Posture and manner of speaking. A confident, straight back, an even voice, the absence of filler words, and a calm gaze are markers of social dominance and confidence in the future. People with low status often slouch, speak quickly and quietly, and apologize for no reason. The brain reads this as: “Low resources, dangerous to approach.”
• Social connections. A person who easily meets people, who has friends, and who is respected in a group transmits the signal: “I am part of the system, I have support. I am not an outcast.” In ancient times, an outcast did not survive. Therefore, we are subconsciously drawn to those who are integrated into the social structure.
• Intelligence and education. Speech filled with interesting facts, the ability to hold a conversation, and education are markers that indicate that a person has access to information. And information in the modern world is the main resource.
• Taste. The music a person listens to, the films they watch, and the books they read all communicate their belonging to a certain social class. It is like a tribal tattoo: “I am from your clan” or “I am from another clan.” We feel more comfortable with those who share our cultural codes.

But there is a trap here.

We often confuse projected status with real status. There are people who create the illusion of status: they buy a car on credit, wear fake watches, and speak loudly and intrusively in order to seem important. The brain can fall for this trick because it reacts to external markers, not to the truth. This is one of the reasons why we fall in love with “manipulators” or “facades” — they skillfully play on our evolutionary buttons.

The context of the moment can outweigh all psychology and even biochemistry. Two people who are perfectly suited to each other according to every genetic and psychological parameter may fail to notice each other if they meet in a clinic queue while in a bad mood. Conversely, two completely incompatible people may “burst into flames” with passion if they meet on a volcanic island after an earthquake.

Therefore, when analyzing your attraction, ask yourself an honest question: “Is it really him or her who turns me on so much? Or is it simply the adrenaline from a dangerous place? Is it their personal qualities? Or is it simply the effect of seeing them every day at the office and my brain becoming accustomed to them?” Awareness of context is a powerful filter that separates genuine feelings from situational flashes. And if you learn to see this layer, you will stop mistaking “noise” for “signal.”

“Red Flags” and Traps of Attraction

We have already examined four levels of attraction, and now the main practical question arises: how the hell do you understand what is happening to you? Is this the very “true love” that novels are written about? Or is it my trauma leading me by the hand along the same old, well-trodden circle of pain, simply dressed in new packaging?

This is a fundamental distinction. Healthy attraction and traumatic (toxic) attachment may look absolutely identical from the outside: both of you have “butterflies in your stomach,” you cannot live without each other, and you constantly think about your partner. But internally, these two states are structured in radically different ways.

Here is a cheat-sheet table that will help you make a diagnosis.

Criterion	Healthy Attraction	Traumatic Attachment (Toxic)
What do you feel when you are together?	Calmness and warmth. You feel comfortable, you can relax, be yourself, and not be afraid that you will be rejected for making a mistake. It is like returning home after a long journey.	Anxious euphoria. You feel as though you are on a roller coaster. Your heart is pounding, your palms are sweating, and you are on edge. It is like intoxication, but when the “high” wears off, emptiness follows.
How do you feel when you are apart?	You miss them, but you are calm. You know that he/she will return. You can go about your own affairs; you do not lose yourself. It is gentle nostalgia, not panic.	You experience physical withdrawal. You cannot eat, sleep, or work. Inside there is emptiness and terror. You feel that without him/her you will cease to exist. This is addiction, not love.
What lies at the foundation?	Interest and respect. You like WHAT KIND OF PERSON THIS IS. You are proud of him/her, respect his/her actions, and value his/her personality.	Projection and fantasy. You do not like the real person, but the IMAGE that you have placed upon them. You are in love with the idea: “I will fix him,” “We will be happy when he changes.”
How do you resolve conflicts?	You talk. You may disagree and become angry, but you hear each other. After an argument, you feel better and feel closeness.	You either scream yourselves hoarse or remain silent for weeks. The conflict ends either with one person being humiliated or with a loud reconciliation through sex. But the problem is not resolved — it is simply driven inward.
What happens to your self-esteem?	You grow. Next to this person, you feel smarter, more attractive, and more confident. He/she supports you.	You are being destroyed. You feel worthless, guilty, and awkward. You are constantly apologizing. You stop recognizing yourself in the mirror.
Your future	You make plans. They are realistic and specific. You know where you are going.	The future is vague. You live from one outburst to the next. You are afraid to look ahead because deep down you know that this is unreliable.

A Practical Test for Yourself:

Take a sheet of paper and write: “Next to this person, I feel…” and complete the sentence 10 times without thinking. If the list is dominated by the words “anxiety,” “guilt,” “shame,” “fear,” and “insecurity,” this is a red flag. If the dominant words are “calmness,” “joy,” “confidence,” and “interest,” this is healthy attraction.

Remember the golden rule of psychology: “True love does not diminish; it increases.” It does not narrow your life down to one person, but expands it. Toxic attachment, on the contrary, drains all the colors out of the world, leaving only one point — the object of dependence.

The “Swing” Syndrome

Why are toxic relationships so strong? Why do people endure humiliation, infidelity, and coldness for years, yet cannot leave? The answer lies in one of the most powerful discoveries in behavioral psychology — intermittent (variable) reinforcement.

To understand this mechanism, imagine a slot machine in a casino. You put in a coin. Sometimes you hit the jackpot, sometimes you get nothing, and sometimes you get a small win. You do not know when the reward will come. And it is precisely this unpredictability that makes you pull the lever again and again, until you lose your pulse and all your money. If the machine paid out every time, you would eventually become bored. If it never paid out, you would leave after five minutes. But random, unpredictable success causes the most powerful release of dopamine in the brain.

Exactly the same thing happens in a relationship with a traumatic partner. The partner behaves unpredictably:

• Today he/she is tender, gives gifts, and speaks about love. You are in seventh heaven.
• Tomorrow — cold, ignores you, criticizes you. You are in hell.
• The day after tomorrow — warmth again, but with a reservation: “You should have understood that I was tired.” You are in seventh heaven again, but now with a sense of guilt.

This is the “Swing” syndrome. Your nervous system is constantly swinging from the peak of pleasure to the peak of pain. And the brain confuses this amplitude with the strength of feelings. You say: “We love each other so passionately! We have such vivid emotions!” In reality, you simply have swings with excessive overload. The amplitude of emotions is mistaken for the depth of feelings.

Why is this so dangerous?

Because healthy relationships do not have such fluctuations. There is an even, warm background. And the brain of a person accustomed to swings perceives this steady warmth as “boring” and “not love.” It needs a stimulant. It needs that rare, unpredictable “jackpot” in the form of a cold partner’s smile. When a cold person suddenly becomes warm, it is an event, an explosion of dopamine. But when a warm person is always warm, it is perceived as the norm, to which the brain barely reacts.

Studies show that intermittent reinforcement causes the same kind of addiction as cocaine or heroin. People in toxic relationships show the same changes in the brain, particularly in the reward system, as drug addicts. They cannot leave because this is not “love”; it is biochemical withdrawal. They are waiting for the next “dose” of warmth.

How Do You Get Off the Swing?

Only through awareness and timing. You need to track the time. How long does the “good” phase last? A day? Two? A week? And the “bad” one? Start keeping an emotional diary. When you see that over three months there were 10 peaks of happiness and 30 days of anxiety, it will become easier for you to make a decision. And second: learn to value steadiness. When you feel bored next to a “warm” and stable person, ask yourself: is this really boredom? Or is it simply the absence of the adrenaline storm that I have become accustomed to calling love?

Signs That You Are “Drawn” Because of a Narcissistic or Codependent Script, Not Because of Love

Narcissistic and codependent scripts are two perfectly matching halves of one toxic puzzle. If you feel that the pull is unbearable, but at the same time you are exhausted, devalued, and feel that you are losing your mind, there is a high probability that you have fallen into this script.

Who Is a Narcissist in the Context of Relationships?

This is not simply a person who likes looking at themselves in the mirror. It is a person with deep inner emptiness and fragile self-esteem. They are incapable of empathy in the full sense of the word. They see people not as individuals, but as sources of “narcissistic supply” — admiration, adoration, and confirmation of their genius and exceptional nature.

How They Make You Fall in Love — the “Iceberg” Stage or “Love Bombing”:

At the beginning of the relationship, the Narcissist is the ideal partner. They shower you with compliments and gifts; they say: “You are the most incredible woman/man I have ever met.” They copy your interests; they seem like your “other half.” This is called love bombing. At this moment, you feel “drawn” with incredible force because you receive a dose of adoration that you may have dreamed of your entire life. You think: “Finally! I am appreciated! I am special!”

How They Pull You In — the Devaluation Stage:

As soon as they understand that you have been “caught” and are in love, the phase of adoration abruptly changes into a phase of devaluation. They begin criticizing you, mocking you, devaluing your achievements, ignoring you, and comparing you with others. They say: “You are too sensitive,” “You are making everything up,” “There is something wrong with your head.” Your self-esteem begins to collapse. You try to bring back that “ideal love” from the beginning of the relationship. You try even harder, change yourself, and attempt to please them. The Narcissist periodically gives you a “carrot” — becomes warm again — so that you do not leave. These are the very swings of intermittent reinforcement.

Who Is the Codependent Victim?

This is a person who unconsciously seeks exactly this kind of partner. Why? Because a codependent person has a deep belief: “My value is determined only by how I care for another person and solve their problems.” In childhood, the codependent person was often a “little adult” who had to calm the parent, serve them, and tolerate their whims. They do not know what love without sacrifice is.

Why Are They Drawn to the Narcissist?

Because next to the Narcissist, they can carry out their “Rescuer” script. They see in the Narcissist — who is secretly deeply unhappy and empty — a “poor, wounded child” and think: “I will heal him. I will show him what true love is. If I am perfect, he will change.” But the Narcissist cannot change because their psyche is protected by armor. In the end, the codependent person spends years, strength, and health trying to “save” someone who does not want to be saved. And they are not “drawn” to the Narcissist, but to the illusion that they can heal them and, in this way, heal their own childhood trauma — receive love from a cold parent.

How Can You Recognize This Trap? Here Are the Harsh Criteria:

1. You are constantly apologizing. You feel guilty for existing. You justify his/her behavior to friends and family.
2. You walk on eggshells. You are afraid to say the wrong thing so as not to provoke his/her anger or coldness. You control every word and action.
3. Your needs are always in second place. You have stopped doing your own things, pursuing hobbies, and seeing friends. Your whole life revolves around his/her mood and problems.
4. You hear phrases such as: “You are too emotional,” “You are imagining everything,” “You are paranoid,” “I was only joking,” “You are unbearable.” This is called gaslighting — the systematic devaluation of your feelings and reality so that you begin to doubt your own sanity.
5. You have developed psychosomatic symptoms. Headaches, stomach problems, insomnia, panic attacks, and allergies that appeared specifically during this relationship. The body never lies.

The Golden Rule of Leaving:

If you recognize yourself in these points, stop. You are not drawn to the person; you are drawn to the illusion you created in your head: “If I love him strongly enough, he will change.” But he will not change. You cannot heal a Narcissist through your love. You can heal only yourself by stopping your search for approval where it has never existed. This script can be broken in only one way: leave completely and go to a psychologist in order to stop being a “Rescuer” and learn to choose an “Equal.” It is difficult, frightening, and feels like death. But only after that will you be able to experience real, healthy attraction, in which you do not sacrifice yourself, but multiply yourself.

Practical Section: How to Understand Your Attraction?

We are used to perceiving attraction as a homogeneous cocktail: “I am drawn to this person — that is all.” But in reality, this cocktail consists of three completely different ingredients that are mixed in different proportions. If you learn to separate them, you will stop confusing lust with love and friendly interest with romance. It is like breaking a complex musical track down into separate instruments: you will hear where the bass guitar is playing, where the keyboards are, and where the drums are. Only then will you understand what exactly makes you dance.

Ingredient No. 1: Libido (Sexual Attraction, Animal Magnetism)

This is the most ancient, most instinctive layer. It is what is tied to biochemistry, pheromones, body shape, voice, and gaze. It is the desire for physical intimacy: you want to touch, kiss, undress, and have sex. Libido does not ask whether this person is intelligent, whether they share your values, or whether they are pleasant to live with. Libido simply shouts: “I WANT!”

How to Recognize That Libido Is What Predominates:

• You think about him/her mainly in a sexual context. When you imagine your future together, the first image that appears is sex or embraces, not conversations or shared dinners.
• Appearance plays a huge role. If he/she dresses in an unsexy way, your attraction drops sharply.
• After sex, you feel slightly empty or awkward. The attraction fades, and you notice that you have nothing to talk about.
• You forgive him/her a lot because “he/she is too good in bed.”

A Question for Diagnosing Libido:

“If we never had sex, would I still want to spend time with this person?” If the answer is “no,” your attraction consists of hormones by 80%. This is neither bad nor good. It is simply a fact. If you are looking for a short-term relationship, that is normal. If you are looking for a serious relationship, Libido alone is catastrophically insufficient. It passes after one and a half to two years, and if there is nothing underneath it, you will be left with a stranger.

Ingredient No. 2: Attachment (Comfort, Safety, Tenderness)

This is a warm, cozy feeling that arises when you feel good beside a person in silence. This is the oxytocin component. You do not necessarily have to talk or do something active. You can simply sit beside each other, read books, remain silent, and feel calm. Attachment is the desire to care and to feel cared for. It is the feeling of “home.”

How to Recognize That Attachment Is What Predominates:

• You feel relief when you are near them. As though you are taking off a corset and putting on soft pajamas.
• You miss his/her voice and familiar rituals: coffee together, cuddling before sleep, the habit of stroking your head.
• You want not so much sex as simply to be near them, lean against them, and feel warmth.
• You are ready to tolerate his/her flaws because “he/she is reliable.”

Questions for Diagnosing Attachment:

“Do I feel safe when this person is nearby? Can I be weak and capricious, and will he/she not reject me?” Attachment is a wonderful foundation, but it is dangerous because it can keep us in relationships that have long since exhausted themselves. We get used to a person like an old sofa: unattractive, sagging, but ours and familiar, and it feels a pity to throw it away. If only Attachment remains in a relationship, while Libido and Interest have died, this is friendship or living as neighbors, not love.

Ingredient No. 3: Interest (Intellectual and Spiritual Closeness)

This is the desire to talk, learn new things, argue, discuss, laugh at the same jokes, read the same book, and then discuss it. It is respect for his/her mind and his/her view of the world. This is the “chemistry” not of the body, but of the brain. It is when you never get tired of talking for hours and are amazed at how quickly the evening has passed.

How to Recognize That Interest Is What Predominates:

• You admire his/her thoughts. You like the way he/she reasons.
• You often talk about abstract topics: politics, art, philosophy, science, and plans for life.
• You may forget about this person’s appearance because his/her inner world captivates you more.
• You respect his/her opinion even when you disagree with it.

Questions for Diagnosing Interest:

“If this person were the same sex as me, would I find them just as interesting?” If yes, you have an intellectual connection. If no, you see only a man/woman, not a personality.

The Practical Exercise “Three Circles”

Take a sheet of paper and draw three overlapping circles, like a Venn diagram. Label them: Libido, Attachment, Interest.

Now honestly rate, on a scale from 1 to 10, what predominates with this particular person. Where are there more points? In which circle are there almost none?

The ideal, healthy formula of love looks like this: Libido + Attachment + Interest — all three circles overlap approximately equally. This is that very “all-around love.”

The Traps You Will See:

• If there is almost no Attachment, but a lot of Libido and Interest, you are friends with benefits. It is passion, but without comfort. Such relationships burn out quickly.
• If there is almost no Libido, but a lot of Attachment and Interest, you are best friends or siblings. You feel good together, but there is no spark. Over time, one of the partners will begin looking for that spark elsewhere.
• If there is almost no Interest, but a lot of Libido and Attachment, it is a warm, comfortable, but empty bond. You are like two cats rubbing against each other, but you have nothing to talk about. After 10 years of such a relationship, you will wake up with the feeling that a stranger is living beside you.

Your task is to understand which part pulls you most strongly. And honestly answer yourself: are you satisfied with this “arrangement”? Or do you want to add the missing ingredients, which is possible if both sides are willing to work, or admit that this person is not your universal “set,” but only one of its parts?

Questions to Ask Yourself

Question No. 1: “What exactly do I feel beside him/her — calmness or anxious euphoria?”

Ask yourself this question at the moment when you are with him/her. Not in memories, not in fantasies, but in their actual presence. Pay attention to your body:

• Shoulders. Are they relaxed and lowered? Or are they raised toward your ears, as though you are expecting a blow?
• Breathing. Is it deep and even? Or is it shallow, and do you often gasp for air?
• Stomach. Does it feel warm and comfortable? Or is there a constant “lump” or “butterflies” that are more like nervous trembling?
• Face. Are you smiling sincerely and in a relaxed way? Or are you holding a “mask,” afraid to say the wrong thing?

Interpretation:

• Calmness + Warmth + Relaxation = Healthy Attraction. Your body says “yes.” It is safe.
• Anxiety + Trembling + The Feeling of “Being at an Exam” + Increased Heart Rate = Toxic Attraction. You are confusing stress with love. Your body is on edge because it senses a threat, but the brain interprets it as “passion.”

A Provocative Follow-Up Question: “Am I comfortable being silent with this person? Or do I feel that I have to entertain him/her so that he/she does not leave?” If you cannot remain silent, if you feel that you are not loved simply for who you are, this is codependency.

Question No. 2: “Who from my childhood does he/she resemble in character?”

This is the question that brings transference into the light. Do not look at appearance — look at behavioral patterns.

• Does he/she criticize you in the same way your mother did? The same intonations, the same words: “You never…,” “You always…” ?
• Is he/she cold and unavailable like a father who was always working or emotionally closed off?
• Does he/she demand care and act capriciously like a younger brother or sister whom you had to look after?
• Or, on the contrary, does he/she take care of you in the same way as a grandmother who spoiled you?

How to Do This Honestly:

Close your eyes. Imagine your partner. Now imagine that you replace his/her face with the face of your parent, or another significant adult. If the interaction pattern remains exactly the same, you have fallen into a childhood projection. You do not see the real person; you see your old drama.

A Frightening Conclusion: If you answer this question honestly and realize that your partner is a copy of your “cold father” or “critical mother,” your attraction may weaken that very second. Because you will understand that you are drawn not to him/her, but to an old, unfinished scene. It is like turning on the light in a room where you have been afraid of a monster your entire life and seeing that the monster is only an old coat rack. Fear and attraction disappear when they are looked at openly.

Question No. 3: “If he/she disappeared tomorrow, what would I miss: his/her advice, body, or status?”

This is the most pragmatic but most honest question. It cuts away the romantic haze and shows what your attraction is really based on.

Imagine that this person disappears from your life without a trace. They do not die; they simply vanish. They do not write, they are gone, they do not call. You remain in your ordinary life. Now analyze your emptiness. What exactly would you miss?

Option A: “I would miss his/her body, touch, sex, gaze, and voice.”

→ This is Libido. Without physical contact, you feel hunger. But if he/she disappears, you can find another person with a similar voice and body. Easily replaceable. It is not unique.

Option B: “I would miss his/her advice, intelligence, conversations, the way he/she looks at the world, his/her jokes, and support.”

→ This is Intellectual Interest. This is already more difficult to replace. It is a unique perspective. If you miss the dialogue itself, you have lost this particular person, not merely an “object.”

Option C: “I would miss the feeling of stability, status, money, his/her connections, the way he/she solves my problems and pays my bills.”

→ This is Social Context. You are attached to resources, not to the person. If you honestly admit this, there is nothing shameful about it. It is simply a fact. But then call it what it is: you are in a relationship with a service, not with a personality.

Option D: “I would miss his/her very presence. Simply the fact that he/she EXISTS in the world. I do not care what he/she says or what kind of body he/she has — I simply need to know that he/she exists.”

→ This is Healthy Attachment plus the mystery of personality. It is when you love a person not for a function, but for the fact of their existence. This is the most valuable answer. If you answered “D,” your attraction is most likely healthy, deep, and genuine.

When You Should Ignore the “Pull,” and When You Should Trust It

Love is both feeling and choice. And the key skill of an adult is understanding which voice inside them is speaking. We have examined different levels, traps, and questions. Now you need to make a decision. But how do you understand whether to run after this “pull” or run away from it? Here are clear criteria.

Trust the “Pull” — Say “YES” — If:

1. Beside this person, you feel BETTER. You become kinder, more confident, braver, and more energetic. He/she is like a solar battery — you recharge rather than become drained.
2. You see the real him/her, not an imaginary version. You know his/her flaws, and they do not repel you; they are human. You are not trying to “remake” him/her.
3. You are not afraid to be vulnerable. You can come and say: “I feel bad,” “I am afraid,” “I am angry,” and you know that you will not be mocked or devalued.
4. Your values match. Even if your personalities differ, the core of your lives — family, honesty, freedom, development — is the same.
5. You feel calm. Yes, there is passion, yes, there is excitement, but at a deep level, there is quiet confidence: “I am all right with this person.”

Ignore the “Pull” — Say “NO” and Leave — If:

1. Beside this person, you feel WORSE. You become more anxious, foolish, dependent, and irritable. He/she is like a vampire. After meeting, you feel empty and drained.
2. You are in love with his/her POTENTIAL. You constantly think: “If only he/she changed…,” “If only he/she stopped drinking/criticizing/ignoring…” You love a project, not reality.
3. You are afraid of him/her. You are afraid to tell the truth, afraid of his/her reaction, and walk on tiptoe.
4. He/she sends you mixed messages. They say, “I love you,” but cause you pain. Their words do not match their actions.
5. You lose yourself. You stop seeing friends, abandon hobbies, and change your views to please him/her. Your personality becomes blurred.

Attraction is not a commander, but an adviser. It comes, knocks on the door, and beckons. But YOU decide. An adult does not say: “I cannot live without him/her.” An adult says: “I am drawn to him/her, but I have analyzed my attraction, seen my traumas, fears, and desires within it, and I am making a CONSCIOUS DECISION — to enter this relationship or leave it.”

And when you learn to separate “being drawn because of trauma” from “being drawn because of love,” you will stop being a slave to your impulses and become the author of your own destiny.

Conclusion: From Attraction to Conscious Choice

We began this conversation with a simple but deceptive question: “Why are we drawn to this particular person?” And now, having gone through biochemistry, psychology, childhood scripts, and social traps, we have arrived at the main point. The illusion of choice is the belief that our feelings come to us from somewhere outside, like a random wind or fate. But in reality, they are born within us — from our genes, our wounds, our childhood, and our context. We do not choose whom we meet. But we always choose what to do with this encounter.

Attraction is only an invitation. It is a compass that shows the direction but does not dictate the route. True maturity begins at the moment when you stop confusing “I am drawn to this person” with “I need this” and “This is good for me.” You are capable of feeling passion while saying: “I see that this is my childhood trauma knocking at the door. I see that this is adrenaline from the emotional swings. I choose not to chase this illusion, but to stop and figure it out.” Or, on the contrary, you are capable of feeling calm, steady warmth and trusting it, even if there are no “butterflies” from cheap novels in your chest.

Each of us carries an entire gallery of ghosts inside: parental voices, old resentments, suppressed desires. They create that very “magical” attraction that seems inexplicable. But as soon as you turn on the light of awareness, the ghosts dissolve. You stop looking for a rescuer, a judge, or a lost part of yourself in your partner. You begin to see in him or her simply another person — with their own history, their own wounds, and their own freedom.

And then attraction stops being a pull that drags you with the current. It becomes a choice. You choose this person not because “that is how things turned out,” not because they resemble your father, and not because the adrenaline in your blood is off the charts. But because you have seen the real person, accepted their imperfections, and decided: “I want to walk this path beside you. With my eyes open. Knowing where I am going.” This is true love.